i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
