I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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