News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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