apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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