You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
