I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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