i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
