I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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