I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
