is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize