I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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