at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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