I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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