census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
