I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
