Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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