Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I am available for nakedness
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
