I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
