I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
