he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize