If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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