Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
