Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
