remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
