Redeem this text for a blowjob
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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