So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
