24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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