Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize