just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
