Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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