i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
