You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
