no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
