I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
