Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
