we're chasing vodka with high fives
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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