I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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