Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
