That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
foreskin is a definite game changer
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
