I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
