I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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