I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
