So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I want to be your penis for a week.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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