The maid of honor just puked.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
sex in a hospital.. check
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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