Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
