You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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