Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i will never coherently bang her
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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