Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
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