Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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