you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
