After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We need a shit load of segways right now
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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