I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
