Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
