He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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