I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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