She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
