I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
