That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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